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Chronic Illness - a memoir

It’s really frustrating when you have to deal with pain on a daily basis. Like chronic pain. And sometimes chronic pain seems like nothing because it’s there all the time, and you tend to get used to it. Some days are better than others; the bad days seem almost intolerable. Finding a comfortable position to sit in is hell in a handbasket.


Then there’s acute chronic pain. (I’m pretty sure I made this one up.) Acute meaning – sudden or sharp, pain. Chronic meaning – you’re stuck with this bullshit (aka: ongoing pain that can last months to years, even when the injury or illness that caused the pain has been healed and gone away)! This has been a recent experience of mine. I’ve kept quiet about it. I don’t want pity or attention from people for what I’m going through. Although now I’m finding it’s important for people to know and be aware of, since it can potentially get so much worse than it already is.


Before I tell you, maybe you should know why I’ve decided to keep quiet about it until now. I consider myself a pretty self-aware person, and am always trying to improve and become a better version of myself. In working with my health coach, I realized that the attention-seeking behavior I subconsciously developed as a child is holding me back in more ways than I had even realized. (Am I saying every person with a chronic illness is like this? Absolutely not. Please refrain from making that assumption.) Because of things that happened in my childhood, my subconscious developed a belief that in order for me to be loved and receive attention, “I needed to be sick, too.” Thus, has been the story of my life – chronic bronchitis, tonsilitis, sick every Christmas, fractured wrist, chronic back pain due to an injury in high school, fibromyalgia, two car accidents, and now trigeminal neuralgia. If you don’t know this already – what you believe, even subconsciously, is all that you will see and experience in the world; until you consciously decide to change it. So, if that’s true, then it makes sense that I constantly was sick; and even when I became aware of this subconscious belief, it still continued to play out in my life in other areas including my job, career choice, and relationships.


Here’s what I’ve come to realize is stuck in my subconscious: “If you’re always sick, then you never have to be well enough to thrive and see things through. You can always have a fallback onto your disease. While it’s