My entire life I’ve tried to fit in. I became a master chameleon. I could easily fit myself into a group to be “liked” and accepted. Through what became an automatic process to me, I continued to lose pieces of myself. Until one day I woke up, took a look at my life and what I’d created…I hated every part of it. I hated myself. I was miserable. I’ve been in this space many times over. It wasn’t until I began to learn about energy healing and intuition that my life could finally shift. I learned that the voice inside of me was my true identity trying to come out and be my guide and driving force. I didn’t know how to listen to it before. I didn’t know it was real, and didn’t understand its importance and key role in life, let alone my life. I didn’t realize I created this awful mess I was living in and that I could create something new instead.
But Meesh – this all sounds so generic. Anybody could say that about themselves.
Let me show you what a lifetime of hiding yourself to fit in ends up looking like by sharing some stories from my life.
October 10, 2008 – as I sat in the bridal room in the back of Incarnation Church – the church I grew up in – I had this deep pit in my stomach. Something was wrong. It was making me sick to my stomach, and it was so hot in that room, so noisy, and I just wanted everyone to get the fuck out so I could think! At the time I was the people-pleaser of all people-pleasers! Doing something for myself was nowhere on my radar. Which means I also was completely cut off from any bit of intuition that might help me steer clear from the biggest mistake of my life. I even had a vivid picture sweep across my mind of myself pleading with my father to get me out of there and to drive me far far away and to keep driving and when he wanted to stop, to keep driving anyway.
But I didn’t even acknowledge that momentary picture that came across my mind. I didn’t even get a chance to because so many people were distracting me from the most important person in the room. Me.
So when it was time for me to walk down the aisle, I shrugged it all off as nerves and chose to believe that everyone else that showed up for this event was more important than me taking 10 minutes by myself to even consider another choice.
I did not ask my father to take me away, even though every step I took down that aisle I wanted to. I wished that he would have asked me. In hindsight, I can only hypothesize that I would have said “hell yeah get me the ‘F’ out! But I still may have said no, let’s get this show on the road.
The one single day of my life I wanted my father to show up for me, and he didn’t. He fell in line and appeased what he thought I wanted.
Recently, I learned through my mother that he wasn’t going to walk me down the aisle; he did it anyway. Again, he showed up in the assumed way I wanted.
Everything about this wedding was wrong! I left him once, went back to him after a few weeks, cried my eyes out while I reluctantly let him put the ring on my finger again after he re-proposed.
I haven’t even mentioned the abuse – any which flavor you can think of (mental, emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, financial) I experienced it. And this all happened BEFORE we even got married!
I wanted my dad to protect me, and in that moment in the church, in my childish eyes – he failed. Unfortunately, that statement doesn’t give him any credit. He had no idea! I didn’t tell him anything because I was ashamed to tell him (and my mother for that matter). That’s not even the important part. What’s important is that I failed to protect myself. I failed to listen to that intuitive voice that ultimately knows what is right for me and what is not.
What I’ve finally come to learn is that I have the power to protect myself, and I always did. I have the power to live a healthy lifestyle, to live a life of fun, to have the job/business/career I want, to have friends and a loving relationship that fulfill me.
And so do you.
That power I’m talking about???
It lives inside something that’s overlooked and a mere afterthought.
Your power lies in your choices.
On October 10, 2008, I chose to stifle my voice and intuition. I chose to stifle my body. I chose to let the assumed opinions and judgments of others override what my gut knew was not in alignment with what I truly desire. I chose to shrink and become small. I chose to be married to a man that already was abusing me.
So what does this have to do with your body?
Your body will always give you a signal to either move forward or to halt and stop what you’re doing.
Are you listening to it?
If you’re not, at some point you’ll be forced to, and it won’t be pretty. Actually, it’s gonna hurt, BAD.
August 4, 2016 – It was morning, super early, like 7:30 or 8 am, and I was ready for my day, driving to an in-person workshop with my business coach. I say super early because that means I was up earlier than that to get ready and I’m not a morning person! Anywho…I was on the phone with my boyfriend Phil driving in stop and go traffic on I-55 in the suburbs of Chicago trying to get to Downers Grove for this meeting.
I was all the way in the left lane, the “fast lane” and it seemed like the drivers in this lane were the slowest and THE WORST! The car in front of me kept slamming on the brakes, forcing me to do the same, even leaving a larger window in between the car in front of me and myself couldn’t have prevented what happened next…
I screamed! Dropped my phone
I was confused, startled, and in some serious pain
I was rear-ended on the highway.
I assessed my body for injury – definite whiplash – tolerable – no need for an ambulance.
I found my phone by my feet and told Phil I was in an accident, I was ok, and would call him later after everything was handled.
I pulled my car over to the left shoulder of the highway, got out and ensured the other driver was ok. She was young. I totally judged her as texting while driving and the reason she hit me. I’m no better in this story cuz I was talking on my phone. I’m not sure that’s the reason I was hit, and it doesn’t matter.
It happened FOR A REASON. I needed to be in my body and to give it the attention it deserves. The only way for me to do that, was to be forced to feel pain, to intuit what my body needed, and to follow through and give my body what it asked for. The first step in the “training program” was calling my chiropractor and setting an appointment for that day. After I got a tow and a rental car I was able to make it into the office. He did a full assessment, diagnosed my symptoms as whiplash, and gave me a 3 month “outlook.”
After seeing him for a few weeks, my body did not seem like anything was progressing. My spine was doing better with the adjustments but the muscles still felt “stuck.” So I asked him to write a referral for a physical therapist and a massage therapist because that’s what my intuition and my body were telling me.
After a few sessions with the physical therapist and massage therapist, my body began to melt and soften again. It took a good 10 months of treatment to get my body back to where it was pre-accident. I was released from all services in May 2017, and moved to Wisconsin the following month to live with Phil and start a new chapter in my life.
A couple months later - my body was acting up again. My entire right shoulder would be asleep when I’d wake up, and my right hand started bothering me. I bought a brace to wear on my hand to keep it stable so it didn’t hurt. I called my previous chiropractor and asked him for a referral to a chiropractor in Janesville since he said he had a friend with a practice up here.
I was able to get in the following week, started seeing him regularly, and the pain and numbness went away.
For Christmas that year, Phil promised me a membership to any gym I wanted – one of my goals was to exercise and take better care of my body. I tried a month membership at the Janesville Athletic Club. Of the handful of times I went, each time my upper body (chest, shoulders, upper back, & neck) would seize up. I was so annoyed. All I wanted to do was start to exercise and move my body! I didn’t understand! I was so frickin’ PISSED! Then I thought about how I felt when I did yoga a few years ago. The pain, tightness, and restlessness in my legs went away when I was doing yoga, so I figured I’d try that for a month. I went to the yoga studio my boss recommended to me. The owner was super helpful at recommending classes for me to start off with that would help me with the current ailments at the time. I started with Restorative and Yin yoga. They were EXACTLY what my body was craving.
Through yoga I was able to carve out time each week to be with my body. To listen to it and give it the attention it wanted. To be inside of it, tuned in with it, so I could identify and pinpoint EXACTLY where the pain was and address it on the mat.
Yoga taught me the power of breath. Breathing happens unconsciously, whether we’re paying attention or not. Intentional breathing forces you to be in present moment, choosing when and how to breathe in, and when and how to breathe out. When you’re in this state of consciousness, it’s then that we have access to an awakened state of awareness – we can tune into the body, the mind, our choices, behaviors, and beliefs. They’re all accessible in present moment, and present moment is the hardest place to be, but it is what is required to access the information to heal whatever is ailing you in body, OR life. This is where the answers flow and come EASILY.
It took getting rear-ended on the highway to get me to wake up and learn how to pay attention to my body, which allows me to actually take care of myself in the way I desire versus what someone else tells me is the right answer, and to honor my desires and dreams as good enough for me.
What else is it gonna take to happen to you to get you to wake up?
Let ME be your whiplash instead!
December 2019 - February 2020 – Even though I had been doing really well with listening to my body through the lens of yoga, I still woke up every single day loathing my body for being in pain ALL THE TIME. There was still a piece of the puzzle I was missing and refusing to admit. It took the Universe bringing together a whole lot of people to pull this one off!
Around December of 2019, a dear friend who I’d known my whole life called me on the phone to tell me about what she’s been up to lately. I listened to her for 2 hours. I barely got a word in during the entire conversation, but somehow, I knew that I was just meant to listen to her. The crux of the conversation was around autoimmune disease. She had my ear because I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia when I was married to my abuser; and then seemingly suddenly went away after I had left him and been through some therapy. I thought that she was meant to tell me that I need to shift my focus in business toward women with autoimmune diseases. As I write this today – I can say YES BUT…there’s more to this story…
In January 2020 I enrolled myself into an Elimination Magik Intensive in a membership group I am in. There was a group of us that decided we wanted to do an allergen elimination detox to kick off the new year with a fresh body as well. When our body is clean of anything that can inflame or interfere with its proper way of functioning, intuition and focus comes faster & more easily. The elimination was easy, I’ve done Whole 30 before which was waaaay harder. What I began to notice during our daily conversations in our group chat was that just about every person in there had an autoimmune disease. And they’d talk about their symptoms and how the detox was helping the systems to be less and less severe, and for some, they completely went away. Some people even lost a significant amount of weight from this as well. So as I’m sitting there reading the experiences of all of these people, it dawns on me to look up the symptoms of fibromyalgia.
It was like a 2x4 smacked me in the head.
Remember that accident I told you about that happened in 2016? What I never realized was physical trauma to the body can throw you out of remission. I had been living with my symptoms of fibromyalgia and shaming my body for it this whole time. Not once did it occur to me that maybe I was out of remission.
But Meesh, why not?
Because this time around, my symptoms had manifested differently. It never occurred to me that it would feel and look different than the first time. Now knowing that the reason my body “wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do” and why I’d wake up in pain everyday was because I was full blown back in fibromyalgia-land. Knowing this I could soften my attitude toward my body, and listen even more clearly to what it needs. There are days where I have tons of plans and things on my to-do list, and my body says no, today I need rest. I had to l learn that sometimes, rest is the most productive thing I can do.
My body has helped me to listen in even more deeply to my intuition. The body, the mind, and the spirit (this is your intuition) are all interconnected. Neither is greater than the other. What I have found is that the medical world does not value the study of the mind and how it affects the body. They have their perspective and ways of doing things, which are find and necessary. However, I believe the service I provide fills in the gap in medical treatment that is missing. An understanding of the self on all 3 levels (body, mind, spirit) is a key component missing in the treatment of chronic pain and disease. And it is my belief that if done in tandem with medical treatment and protocols, we see a higher decrease in symptomology and higher rates of remission.
This process works for me, and has also worked for many of my past clients.
The choice is yours. You can continue to live out the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Or, you can choose to do something different and watch your symptoms, body, and life change “magically.”
To me, it’s simply the missing piece that nobody understands needs to be addressed AS WELL!